TWO OLD LADIES
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Ivy and Pat are neighbours chatting over the back fence while they hang out their washing.
'Morning Ivy. Good day for getting the washing dry.'
'It’s certainly windy enough. Enjoy your baked beans last night?'
'Well actually, I had fish and chips. From that new chippy up the road.'
'Oh yes, I’d heard about that. What’s it called again?'
'"MustaHaveaChip." Good looking young man serving too. If I was a few years younger….'
'Yes, dear. About fifty would do it I expect.''
'I’ll have you know I was a child of the 70s, unlike some who had first-hand knowledge of celebrating VE day. How’s your eldest? Funny he looks nothing like you or your Bert. How’s his lumbago?'
'He hasn’t got lumbago. He wasn’t born until, erm... he’s still a young man. Got a good job in America now. He was house hunted, you know.'
'I think you mean “head-hunted,” dear. Gone to search for his jeanology, has he?'
'I’ll have you know my John Thomas never wears jeans. Only smart suits for him.'
'I meant your Bert’s lumbago. But if the cap fits. Did I tell you I saw him the other night, at least I think it was him. He really should wear a vest you know, he’ll catch his death. At least his hat was big enough to cover his bare essentials.'
'Couldn’t have been my Bert. He’s always in bed by nine at the latest. He’s up early every morning.'
'That’s what her at No. 42 said. Funny how much milk she gets through, living on her own, like.'
'I hope you’re not instinuating …. What were you doing out at night, anyway? You want to be careful with all these ruffians about.'
'You’re right there. Some of those women had no shame. I didn’t know where to put my face when young Mustafa showed me his saveloy.'
'I didn’t know you liked a bit of meat and two veg. You always told me you were a peskytorian.'
'He’s certainly, pesky. Always offers me double portions. Not that I can manage it all in one go. Got to watch my figure you know.'
'Yes dear. Someone’s got to. It’s so easy to let yourself go at your age. A good corset should sort you out.'
'No worries on that score, Ivy. I can’t manage five-a-day but the exercise keeps me fit. Have you considered trying the gym?'
'Ooh, I couldn’t do that, Pat. My Bert can be very jealous. He’d have a fit if I started messing around with Jim.'
'You could be right there. The way he was carrying on with James at the Swinging 60s club was nobody’s business. Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?'
'Swinging 60s? Is that like Darby and Joan? I wouldn’t mind trying that. I’ve got a few knitting patterns that would go down well.'
'Yes, I thought I recognised what your Bert was wearing. You might start a new trend for knitted yellow mankinis.'
'Ooh, is that a thing then? My Bert always likes to keep up with fashion. He was definitely a swinger in his time.'
'Well he was certainly swinging it last night, Ivy. Even some of the younger girls had their mouth open when they saw how big it was.'
'He’s always had a good range. I told him he should take up singing professionally. Would give that Frankie a run for his money.'
'Well he was certainly running for his money last night. He needs to decide whether he’s Bertie or Beatrice. Made a whole lot of new fans at the gay club.'
'I’ll have to get him to take me. I do love clubs where the people are cheerful and jolly. Nothing like being perky when you’re getting on a bit.'
'From the look of your boob holders hanging on the line I think it might be a bit late for you, Ivy. Which reminds me, I’ve got some things I don’t wear any more. Perhaps you’d like them? Send your Bert round one day, and I’ll show him what I’ve got.'
'That’s very good of you, Pat. It’s so important to have good neighbours; I’ll send him round on Thursday. It’s Mustafa’s night off and I promised to help him with his English. He wanted to know the difference between a cougar and a mountain lion, and you know how much I love pussies. Oh, dear, I think it’s going to get wet.'
'Yes, it definitely looks like a storm’s brewing. Thursday it is then.'