Oldy-Woldy English Jokes? Maybe? Maybe Not?

May 13, 2019

 
 
What is Right and what is Wrong?
 

Mrs Harrison, a primary school mistress, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.

"Now then children, let's look at an example," she said.

"If I were to put my hand into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"

Little Tommy, instantly raises his hand and grins.

"You'd be his wife."

 

 

Classic English Jokes

 

Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.

 

What do you call an Englishman with an IQ of 50?  A genius. 

 

They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time

when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.

 

An Englishman went into a DIY shop and asked to buy a sink. 
'Would you like one with a plug?' asked the assistant. 
'Wow! Have sinks gone electric?' the Englishman responded.

 

 

 

Funny English Jokes from Yorkshire

 

Stanley decided to visit his friend Alf, a tight-fisted Yorkshireman living in Huddersfield. He found his mate stripping the wallpaper from the dining room.  Stupidly, he remarked, "You're decorating, I see."  Alf quickly retorted, "Nay Stanley lad, I'm moving 'ouse to Bradford."

 

At an antiques auction in London, a very rich American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £5,000, and he would give a reward of £50 to the person who found it.  From the back of the hall a Yorkshire voice shouted, "I'll give £100!"

 

The Problem With Speaking English

 

Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

 

Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

 

Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

 

Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

 

Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

 

CONCLUSION

 

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

And if you like my tales of fun do share this post with your friends. A giggle a day makes the blues go away. 

 

 

 

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