CHRISTMAS CATERPILLAR CAKE CAUSES CARNAGE

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We parked the car near the entrance of her favourite supermarket as my better half told me we would be needing two trolleys. ‘Oh no, not another long stay at this massive super-hell market,’ I whispered to myself as I firmly gripped the handle of the cart. I had to for my four-wheeled metal beast had a mind of its own.

As the sliding doors opened, I took a long intake of breath, wiped the sweat from my forehead, and managed to stay upright amongst the gaggle of people all rushing to enter the place I loathed. Inside, I was immediately rammed by a squeaky trolley being pushed by a scary woman with a large kid with pimples sitting inside the cart.

I looked around for my wife to help me, but she had vanished along with her shopping cart, leaving me in the precarious position of guiding a spiteful trolley with a will of its own.

Looking back to the boy, he was wearing a jacket embossed with, I Am A Devil. I bet he was. Whilst I was trying to extract my wheels from his mum’s cart, I looked around, to see if she could help me. Alas, devil’s mum had conveniently disappeared. I guessed she was probably looking for someone to care for her vile offspring but leaving me with Master Devil wasn’t pleasant as his voice was louder than the supermarket tannoys.

“Piss off,” screamed the devil as he waved his clenched fists at me. I guess he was maybe seven or eight years of age but his foul language made me think about the thug he was going to be.

Many evil thoughts crossed my mind. What if I accidentally turned his trolly over as I untangled the wheels? And if I did, could I get away with it? Or should I be the innocent party that says nothing and walks off?

With both trolleys partially blocking the entrance, I had to do something. Moving mine looked easy, and it was, sort of, but the other trolley had wheels determined to move in opposite directions. Pushing his cart a bit harder than I intended raised the biggest smile I’d had for weeks, for although it gently stopped alongside rows of chocolate treats, Devil’s arm lashed out and the boxes fell, almost burying him.

I overheard others sniggering, so, perhaps this could be a fun day, after all, I thought.

Like an innocent lamb, I walked off with a wide grin. And as I wandered down the endless lanes of the supermarket, pushing my cart, I was praying my wife would soon relieve me of my burden.

Not long after my prayers were answered as my wife returned. We swopped trollies, I groaned and she was off in a flash. We should be driving home by now, unloading the goodies, and I’d be in time to watch the footie on the telly. But where the hell did she disappear to now. Looking around, I espied a seat outside the locked cafe, so I pushed my metal machine of four dodgy wheels and sat down just before another poor sod arrived. He gave me a disdainful look and left.

Trying to watch so many isles was pointless, but I gave it a go. Soon after, my wife appeared with a huge smile on her face which meant the journey home would be soon. I was informed she had one last task to complete before we could leave.

She needed to find the Christmas Caterpiller Cakes, as our grandchildren wanted them so much. My protestation of, there aren’t any, was waved aside. So off we went, back to my past escapade near the front doors. On arrival, we stopped, our mouths opened and shut in unison, and we both stared at each other as surely this was carnage on a grand scale.

Endless multicoloured boxes were strewn across the tiled floor and pieces of cake were everywhere. Two members of staff were trying to keep some semblance of order but were hopelessly outnumbered by screaming women demanding Christmas Caterpillar Cakes. No matter what the staff said, their words were drowned out by the demands of the snarling pack for they refused to accept the inevitable. As the staff continued to explain all the cakes had gone, the reluctance of the shoppers to believe them showed no sign of desisting.

I thought about returning to my car, but I couldn’t now, for the supermarket entrance was full of so many people all demanding what they desired, it was blocked. No one outside could enter as no one inside was prepared to move, for they all wanted the must-have Christmas Caterpillar Cake.

To me, only a fool would try to join the mayhem, but looking through a side window the throng near the entrance doors was growing like a tidal wave of human belligerence. I could understand why, as who would want to be standing in the cold and the falling sleet.

And to my surprise, a chant started.

“We want our caterpillar cake, we want our caterpillar cake,” etc.

‘It’s only a cake, I thought, are they insane?

My better half had seen enough. She told me to find somewhere to sit down and she’d locate me when she had finished the rest of her shopping.

“I won’t be long, husband. Unlike you, if plan A doesn’t work then I always have a plan B.”

As she walked off, I was very surprised she didn’t seem worried about the dearth of the Christmas Chocolate Caterpillar Cake.

I inhaled deeply and looked out of the large store windows. I could see the number of cars leaving the car park increasing by the minute but just as many shoppers were parking their cars. Alas, for them, the supermarket had shut its doors.

A few lucky shoppers had managed to grab the must-have, Christmas Caterpillar Cakes, and were carefully guarding them. But, for the rest, many shoppers had pieces of cake, chocolate, and cream all over their clothes for the floor was soggy and more than one grabber had slipped on the gooey mess. Must have been like a bun fight, I thought.

Little by little, a semblance of calm returned to the area later to be known, as Mucky Corner.

With so much mayhem all over the supermarket, I wandered about, to watch what would happen next.

The mother of, I Am A Devil, hurried past me. She had one hand on his collar with the other holding her handbag. From the vile words sprouting from her mouth, I guessed she wasn’t happy. Just for fun, I gave him my best evil face as he passed, but unfortunately, he was looking the other way.

Just in case, I asked one of the supermarket workers if there were any CHRISTMAS CATERPILLAR CAKES stored elsewhere. None at all, she told me. I couldn’t believe it. Why did I agree to come here? Am I stupid, or what? And where the hell is my wife? I could feel my face burning, turning red, I guessed.

A lovely lass from the store asked me if I was okay and did I need a chair. Bless her. I gave her my best smile and told her I was fine before turning back to my feeling of being morose, times ten.

A tap on my back and I turned around to see my lovely missus smiling. “Come on misery face, it’s time to pay and go home.”

“But! But! You didn’t get the cake, the CHRISTMAS CATERPILLAR CAKE you’ve been going on about for weeks.”

“Didn’t I?” She sent me a stunning smile and for the first time since entering this supermarket, I grinned.

“How?”

“Ask no questions and you get no lies husband.”

She winked at me, grabbed her free hand to open up the contents of her shopping bag for me to see, and off we went with big smiles on our faces.

I’ll never know how she managed to buy, not one, but four CHRISTMAS CATERPILLAR CAKES, but I’d forgotten our future son-in-law was the assistant manager of the supermarket.

What a day!

What a wife!

What a tale to tell!

Bye Bye for now you lovely people says Carlton the colourful Caterpillar