PRESIDENT FAT BRAT

PRESIDENT FAT BRAT by Rick Haynes


FOR A BIT OF FUN, READ THIS OUT LOUD IN AN AMERICAN ACCENT

“Ladies and gentleman, the President of the United States of America. Over to you, Mr. President.”





“Everyone loves me. I know that to be the truth the whole truth… No, wait a moment, I need to cross my fingers in case I tell a few... untruths. Now, where was I?


“Your new name, Mr. President?”


“Yes! Yes! Yes! I was getting to that. Those Democrats are lousy at name calling, so I’ve got in first. From now on, to spite them, I’m calling myself, President Fat Brat. It’s a great name, a name to piss them off as I got in first, so there. I love being first. All I need now is a great logo. You, yes you, minion, go get me the best logo in the world.”


“And do you have a name for the President Elect, sir?”


“Who? Listen to me newspaper Rottweiler, he’s a nobody, a failure, a has been.

Jeeze, he can’t even remember his name at times, let along run our country.”


“But, but, he’s the President Elect, Mr. President.”


“So what, he’s a fake, a no-man, a no-body.”


“But Mister President. You won’t be in office come January.”


“How dare you open your mouth like that. Officer, take this, this thing away and lock him up. Now where was I? I have the right people behind me, the army, the police, even the housewives of Washington are on my side. Do the opposition really believe I’ll leave the White House without a fight?”


“But Mr. President…”


“Another one? You! Soldier! Put a plaster over his mouth and take him off to the cells. Now, where was I? With the army deployed around the White House, the slimy people on the other side will be wiped out. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll nuke the bastards.

“What about democracy, Mr. President?”


“What the hell has democracy to do with anything these days? The election was rigged. Folks voting twice, ballot papers for me ignored, the whole system is a farce, a fraud. Yes, I’d call it the biggest fraud in the history of our great country.”


“Is it all about money? And if so, what happens next, Mr. President?”


“Good questions at last. I’ll do democracy-face a deal. Pay me fifty million dollars and I’ll leave with all guns blazing away.”


“And if he refuses a deal?”


“No problem. Those sons of bitches wouldn’t know a good deal if it smacked them in the face anyway.”


“Will you make the first move then, Mr. President?”


“Naturally. My favourite whore is gonna visit Sleepy Boy in disguise, seduce him and record it all on film. Once released, it’s gonna be the best seller of the year. Those ignorant Democrats won’t know what hits them.”


“But, what happens if her seduction fails? Do you have a back-up plan?”


“Newspaper man. Do I look that stupid? Of course I have another plan. Believe me, President Fat Brat will go down in history as the smartest president that ever lived. I’ll call in the Air force and bomb the bastards into submission. And I’ll buy up all their debris strewn real estate for a pittance; more millions of dollars coming my way.”


“You cannot be serious, Mr. President.”


“What? I’ll ignore that last remark. Now where did I put the number of our largest Air-force base, Fort Bragg?”



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