THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE – WOT THE BLEEDIN HELL HAPPENED

Your mission, should you accept it

is to destroy the myth surrounding the whereabouts of the real Tutankhamun


This message will self-destruct in ten years


Carol, I accept the challenge


I give you


THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE – WOT THE BLEEDIN HELL HAPPENED


BY RICK HAYNES


“Read all about it, read all about it, Veterans swap yarns about how long they queued in the rain to see Tutankhamun.”


“How much?”


“That’s one pound for the special edition guv. Cheers."


“Time for a coffee, Tommy.”


“Why not, mate.”


“Are they really stupid enough to believe we actually got soaked whilst queuing to see the exhibit, Tommy? If you remember, it was all hushed up as it wasn’t the original at all.”


“Look, moneybags, I may have been your bleedin subordinate in Afghanistan, but out here in the real world, I’m your equal, and yes it can’t be the original, can it?”


“How do you say it? Let me try. Now, a nods as good as a wink, know wot I mean, guv.”


“Nice try Captain but you gotta work on your common accent. By the way, I assume the original sold for a pretty price.”


“Oh yes Tommy, and tonight we can split the money… err… straight down the middle that’s 60 – 40.”


“Cheers Captain, I’m glad your rethmetic is so good. 60% for me sounds bloody marvellous.”


“Naturally my boy, I was only joking.”


“Yeah, course you was. Now, when do I get my share, Captain?”


“Okay, Tommy, never let it be said your commanding officer tried to swindle you. So follow me.”


“Where we going then?”


“To the bank my boy, to the bank.”


“What do I do then? Err… I don’t want them to fink I was some sort of criminal, or stupid, know wot I mean.”


“Now listen to me, old boy. We breeze in and venture to the counter. I’ll do all the talking and all you have to do is to show your bank details and your share, yes all 50%, will be instantly transferred into your overseas bank account. You did bring the details with you?”


“Of course I bleedin did. Let's go.”


“Yes indeed.”


*****


“Good morning gentlemen, how may I assist you.”


“Yes, good morning to you too. My friend and I have a large amount deposited with you and we would like to transfer the monies to our separate accounts in Luxembourg.”


“Of course sirs. Can I assume you brought the required documents with you? Yes, I see you did, thank you. All is in order and I’ll now transfer the funds if you would both sign here and here and, I’m afraid, here. Excellent. Is there anything else I could assist you with?”


“Alas, not at this moment, but thank you for your kind assistance. Good day to you.”


*****


“Bloody hell, that was easy, and yippee, I’m a multi-millionaire now. I can book a long-distance holiday for the missus. She’s always wanted to visit her family in Australia.”


“Good for you my friend, but let me give you some sound advice. Don’t, how do you say it? Oh yes, don’t splash the cash. Use as many banknotes as you like, but keep well away from cheques and money transfers. As a retired senior officer in the army, they knew I had invested heavily overseas and thus my little nest egg didn’t bother them. And now it is untraceable. But you are a different kettle of fish. Use Eurostar, travel to Luxembourg where your money is held, and purchase what you want, maybe buy a holiday home somewhere else in Europe, but don’t share any of our secrets even with your better half.”



“Yeah! That makes sense. I’ll stay low for a bit but I guarantee you, I’m gonna have the biggest piss up ever.”


“Good for you, Tommy. Now, what say we meet up in a years’ time.”


“I know you Captain; you’ve got another scam brewing. Will this be another fake job then?”


“Wait and see my boy, wait and see, but I guarantee it’s going to be a big job. Fancy a glass of exceedingly old malt scotch to celebrate.”


“You betcha, Captain.”


“Cheers. Here’s to the next job my criminal friend.”


“And cheers to you too, Captain.”


The players bowed low as the clapping started, for the folk in the nursing home had thoroughly enjoyed the three-man play.


THE END



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